After a long day of laying on the beach, I had an epiphany: I need a baby.
My life is silly. I spend my time doing everything I can to not do anything at all. I sell the occasional house at my real estate job to keep myself from being a total loser. I cook. I clean. I sleep. I eat. I read. I lay on the beach. I lay around doing nothing. I waste my life. The other day I caught myself getting pissed off that I had to pick up my husband’s dry cleaning because it was cutting into prime tan time. What am I doing with myself?
Today at the beach I watched a little boy with blond hair run around chasing sea gulls. He was so joyous in everything he did. His belly laugh made me giggle to myself and I found myself wanting to get up off my lazy ass to help him build a sand castle or find sea glass and sea shells. All of a sudden I was hit with the overwhelming need to create life. I wanted to grow a baby in my body and watch him or her discover all the simple beauties that I take for granted.
After quickly slipping on my sunglasses so that the other beach bums wouldn’t assume that I was having a mental breakdown I rolled over to do some serious thinking. I know that there are so many facets of your life that are completely and irreversibly changed once you get that plus sign on your pregnancy test. I mean, let’s face it; unless you want to end up on 20/20, you can’t just give back a baby. Some things I need to consider….
Self-explanatory. If I don’t get a minimum of seven hours of uninterrupted sleep, I’m likely to be a total bitch and call in sick to work. My friends that have kids laugh hysterically when I say this. I can only assume that is a bad thing.
I think about how much I love spending an entire day lying on the beach, alternating the hours with snoozing and reading. If I want to go to Barnes & Noble to spend three hours picking out the perfect book or decide to go on a spontaneous weekend trip, I can do it. I’m scared of losing the freedom that a childless life allows me. I am a lazy and selfish creature.
I can’t speak for everyone but in my opinion, there is never enough money. Maybe you’re extremely wealthy and having a child won’t affect your piles of money, but my husband and I are not in that tax bracket. We are always strapped for cash. A friend’s wedding can put us out of food for a week. I am not kidding. When we do have extra money we spend it immediately. Savers we are not. We have no 401K, retirement plan or emergency fund. We are completely irresponsible with money. The thought of buying diapers instead of a People magazine or a car seat instead of a Coach bag is appalling to me but I’ve seen friends more superficial than I give up their frivolous spending without complaining once Junior comes along. I like to think that I can do the same. I am, however, very doubtful.
I know most people wouldn’t look at irresponsibility as something you enjoy having, but think about it. You are ultimately only responsible for yourself and anything you screw up in your life is only going to really affect you. However, once a baby is around and you blow your last fifty bucks on a case of beer and a pack of Marlboro Lights, you are considered a loser. You are no longer the most important thing in your life. To me, that is very scary.
I love my freedom but I feel like there is something missing. I want to leave a mark on the world. One hundred years from now my children’s children will still be here. I can’t think of a more gratifying way to show that I was here and that I gave something important to the world. Unless, of course, the kid ends up being the next Ted Bundy, but let’s try not to focus on that.